1 post tagged “fibromyalgia”

I have recently quit caring whether I please others or I piss them off. It was too much work trying to walk that tightrope for so long. When I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia a year ago, everything came to a head. I was just so tired and I hurt so badly, it was more than I could do trying to keep up appearances of normalcy. I had to learn to let the not-so-important things go. Like, it's not so important if the sink is full of dirty dishes, if the laundry isn't all done or if the kids' toys are strung out all over the house. If ya think less of me because my house isn't spotless, I guess I don't really care what you think anyway. You obviously don't love me for who I am. I've been trying to reprogram my neurotic, insecure little self to think this way all the time. It's a process, of course, and I still have those panicky moments when I feel like a lazy slob because my house is in disarray.

When I took my oldest son to Head Start earlier this year, it was with the understanding that he would get a position soon. Until then, I had to stay there with him. My tolerance was pushed to the limit in this experience, because mornings are so hard for me -- I could barely get up that early in the morning with the stiffness and achiness that my illness causes. Sitting there all morning while the kids wanted me to hold them on my lap or get down in the floor with them was very difficult. I got my fill of the teacher giving her advice on how to manage my pain, too. Basically it consisted of eating healthfully in accordance with Dr. Oz from Oprah. MOAN....BTW, I get sick of people giving me advice when they don't even know what Fibromyalgia is! Anyway, by Christmas, I quit taking my son to Head Start. I hate to even call them & talk to them about it, b/c when I enrolled him, the chick in the office said something to the effect of, "Oh yeah, a position should open up for him real soon, b/c getting up & getting their kids here every morning is just too much work for some people, and several usually end up dropping out." So now I feel like a lazy good-for-nothing bum of a mom. Great, just what I needed.

I've had a few people in my life express disgust with me because of symptoms of my illness that they don't understand, like me needing so many naps b/c of the fatigue, my complaints related to my pain, my brain fog & memory/cognitive problems. I'll forget what I'm saying in the middle of a sentence. I must seem like a comlete idiot or spazz to some people who don't understand. The depression it causes becomes a huge problem for me at times. Since my diagnosis, I have had a huge light click on -- hey, I'm not a hypochondriac & I'm not crazy -- all these symptoms are related! But I've also had a severe blow to my self-esteem, b/c I just feel like I've been dealt an unfair hand, I'm fatally flawed, I'm somehow less than b/c of this illness. Of course I realize that feelings aren't facts & I am a special, wonderful person -- sometimes. Other times, when I'm hurting, I still struggle. I am currently in therapy, trying to deal with this illness.

I would love to see more public service announcements spreading awareness of this disorder. I know quite a few people who have Fibromyalgia, and I hope that we see some medical improvements soon. I am so frustrated with this never-ending pain.